My first year of teaching, I lived in a small town where I knew nobody. I quickly made friends with other first-year teachers who were in similar situations.
One Friday, in late fall, the group of us went to happy hour at the local Chili’s after work. We stayed for an hour or two then went to a teacher’s apartment to relax and hang out some more. After a few more hours, we were starting to get tired. It was dark outside. We were certain it was really late, and we were preparing to go our separate ways.
Finally, somebody looked at the clock. It wasn’t 11:30 pm as somebody had guessed. It wasn’t even eleven. Ten o’clock would have been fine too. It wasn’t nine. We were shocked and horrified to discover that it was 8:32 pm.
What happened to us? Why were we all exhausted… before nine? Is this what real life is like?
Monday, November 16
Thursday, November 12
Armstrong's Successor
After sitting in conferences all day, watching merciless teachers sting parents with feedback about their child, making fun of the students and parents in between conferences, and complaining, I decided to share the following story over our department dinner:
During class yesterday, Barb, a student, asked where Jane, another student, had been. She commented on how Jane has been absent a lot lately.
I concurred..."Why yes, Jane will not be back. She has moved."
"Really? Where?" Barb asked.
"Well, her family moved to the moon," I replied.
"Nooo! That's not possible!" said Barb.
"Well, actually it is. They built a space station to see if humans can survive on the moon. Since her parents are both scientists and astronauts, they volunteered to live on the moon, and Jane is now going to school there."
"Ohhhhh......hmmm..." She was stumped, still not fully believing or disagreeing.
Now, in my head, I really meant to say, "hahaha, I'm just kidding." But I was stumped myself that she actually might have believed what I was saying and didn't question me further. I was speechless and did not get a chance to admit that it was a joke.
During dinner, as I finished my story, my co-workers began to tell me how terrible I was and how they couldn't believe I would do such a thing. Do you think they offer pottery class on the moon?
During class yesterday, Barb, a student, asked where Jane, another student, had been. She commented on how Jane has been absent a lot lately.
I concurred..."Why yes, Jane will not be back. She has moved."
"Really? Where?" Barb asked.
"Well, her family moved to the moon," I replied.
"Nooo! That's not possible!" said Barb.
"Well, actually it is. They built a space station to see if humans can survive on the moon. Since her parents are both scientists and astronauts, they volunteered to live on the moon, and Jane is now going to school there."
"Ohhhhh......hmmm..." She was stumped, still not fully believing or disagreeing.
Now, in my head, I really meant to say, "hahaha, I'm just kidding." But I was stumped myself that she actually might have believed what I was saying and didn't question me further. I was speechless and did not get a chance to admit that it was a joke.
During dinner, as I finished my story, my co-workers began to tell me how terrible I was and how they couldn't believe I would do such a thing. Do you think they offer pottery class on the moon?
Wednesday, November 11
A Letter on Dress Code
Dear female students,
I think you may be under the impression that low-cut shirts and really short shorts are sexy. Let me do you a huge favor and tell you that it is not attractive; in fact, it’s really disgusting to see you dress this way. I don’t want to see your gut either, sicky. Stuff that back in there, then get a shirt that fits. You are embarrassing yourself. There are better ways to get the attention of the male students than to dress like a skank. Don’t sacrifice your dignity.
Dear male students,
I didn’t come to work today to see your underwear. Please pull up your pants and wear a belt or do not come into my room. It’s not even difficult to wear one. It goes through the loops then you buckle it. I have some twine in the back which will also work. Perhaps you could dress like a human being while you’re in school. What? People dress dumb outside of school too? That’s a shame. So it’s up to me to inflict morals and values and teach you how to dress? Well, I’ll get right to work.
Anyway have a great school year,
Your Teacher
I think you may be under the impression that low-cut shirts and really short shorts are sexy. Let me do you a huge favor and tell you that it is not attractive; in fact, it’s really disgusting to see you dress this way. I don’t want to see your gut either, sicky. Stuff that back in there, then get a shirt that fits. You are embarrassing yourself. There are better ways to get the attention of the male students than to dress like a skank. Don’t sacrifice your dignity.
Dear male students,
I didn’t come to work today to see your underwear. Please pull up your pants and wear a belt or do not come into my room. It’s not even difficult to wear one. It goes through the loops then you buckle it. I have some twine in the back which will also work. Perhaps you could dress like a human being while you’re in school. What? People dress dumb outside of school too? That’s a shame. So it’s up to me to inflict morals and values and teach you how to dress? Well, I’ll get right to work.
Anyway have a great school year,
Your Teacher
Tuesday, November 10
Beware of Flying Debris
I don't usually laugh or even smile while teaching. Mostly because it's not fun, but also because I'm close to the age of the students, so if I show that I have human emotion, there will be a mutiny.
One of the two times that I laughed involved an interaction with a special needs student. As I teach, I wander through the classroom, partially for proximity control and partially because I get bored standing in one place all the time. As the rest of the students were busy taking notes, the special education students were focusing on coloring with markers. As I rounded their table, I saw something fly past my head. I look to the floor to see a marker rolling across the ground. I look for the source of the marker and don't see one. I take another step, and I see one of the special needs girls pick up a marker and quickly throw it over her shoulder behind her head. This second marker hits me right in the chest, and I burst into uncontrolled laughter. I excuse myself and regain my composure in the hallway, but at that point, it’s too late. The students have already seen me laugh and know that I can smile.
One of the two times that I laughed involved an interaction with a special needs student. As I teach, I wander through the classroom, partially for proximity control and partially because I get bored standing in one place all the time. As the rest of the students were busy taking notes, the special education students were focusing on coloring with markers. As I rounded their table, I saw something fly past my head. I look to the floor to see a marker rolling across the ground. I look for the source of the marker and don't see one. I take another step, and I see one of the special needs girls pick up a marker and quickly throw it over her shoulder behind her head. This second marker hits me right in the chest, and I burst into uncontrolled laughter. I excuse myself and regain my composure in the hallway, but at that point, it’s too late. The students have already seen me laugh and know that I can smile.
Monday, November 9
Anatomy for/of Toddlers
Picture this. A 1st grade class in a school for children with learning disabilities. These are actual people and actual events. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
I was teaching a science lesson. We were studying a unit on biology and the section that we were learning about was human anatomy. The text that I was using was very age and grade appropriate. We were studying from a Kindergarten text and in this text they were introducing organ systems and the organs in which they were associated. Each page was a coloring page. After introducing the organ, student were invited to color the different parts as instructed. Well, here comes the fun part. After learning about the heart, lungs, kidneys, etc. we got to the reproductive system. YES. . . you heard me right. The REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. And of course, being the uber responsible and mature teacher that I am, I did not skip this section (I'm so glad I didn't or else I would not have this story to share).
The text introduced these organs as organs that would "help you become parents one day". And that was it. We did the ovaries and the uterus without incident. Then we got to the male reproductive system. On the coloring pages, there is an outline of a little person showing where the organs are found. After I taught the lesson, the students began coloring. Then out of the blue. . . in the middle of a quiet class. . . one of my boys jumped up. . . and screamed at the top of his lungs, "MS. *********, I FOUND THEM. I FOUND MY TESTICLES. LOOK! THEY'RE RIGHT HERE. " As he grabs ahold of his genitals and proceeded to shake them in front of the entire class.
Of course, laughter wanted to erupt out of me, unmercilessly, but I had to hold it in and I calmly responded, "Yes, Jack. Those are your testicles and you can only grab them in the privacy of your bathroom or bedroom."
That was one of the best days of my career.
I was teaching a science lesson. We were studying a unit on biology and the section that we were learning about was human anatomy. The text that I was using was very age and grade appropriate. We were studying from a Kindergarten text and in this text they were introducing organ systems and the organs in which they were associated. Each page was a coloring page. After introducing the organ, student were invited to color the different parts as instructed. Well, here comes the fun part. After learning about the heart, lungs, kidneys, etc. we got to the reproductive system. YES. . . you heard me right. The REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. And of course, being the uber responsible and mature teacher that I am, I did not skip this section (I'm so glad I didn't or else I would not have this story to share).
The text introduced these organs as organs that would "help you become parents one day". And that was it. We did the ovaries and the uterus without incident. Then we got to the male reproductive system. On the coloring pages, there is an outline of a little person showing where the organs are found. After I taught the lesson, the students began coloring. Then out of the blue. . . in the middle of a quiet class. . . one of my boys jumped up. . . and screamed at the top of his lungs, "MS. *********, I FOUND THEM. I FOUND MY TESTICLES. LOOK! THEY'RE RIGHT HERE. " As he grabs ahold of his genitals and proceeded to shake them in front of the entire class.
Of course, laughter wanted to erupt out of me, unmercilessly, but I had to hold it in and I calmly responded, "Yes, Jack. Those are your testicles and you can only grab them in the privacy of your bathroom or bedroom."
That was one of the best days of my career.
Thursday, November 5
Fitting after the last story...
An Apology to My Spring '09 Students
Xanax made the days go by
unnoticed
like a shirt in the back of a closet
that's fallen off the hanger.
When I see you in the halls,
I don't remember your names.
Am not sure I bothered learning
them in the first place.
Xanax made the days go by
unnoticed
like a shirt in the back of a closet
that's fallen off the hanger.
When I see you in the halls,
I don't remember your names.
Am not sure I bothered learning
them in the first place.
Tuesday, November 3
ADHD Among the Staff
At my new school at a staff breakfast on the first day , I learned about drug habits among staff members. I was sitting at a table with the other teachers from my department when a jittery woman who didn’t blink sat down next to me. We exchange names and what we teach, then:
Hyper teacher: I love the first day of school. I always do two shots of espresso to get me going in the morning.
Me: I know. I need some coffee or something. This is rough.
Hyper teacher: And my daughter has ADHD, she doesn’t always take her Adderall each day, so those pills come right to mom. So I also had a few of those today also.
Me: (concerned look of disbelief)
She wasn't kidding.
Hyper teacher: I love the first day of school. I always do two shots of espresso to get me going in the morning.
Me: I know. I need some coffee or something. This is rough.
Hyper teacher: And my daughter has ADHD, she doesn’t always take her Adderall each day, so those pills come right to mom. So I also had a few of those today also.
Me: (concerned look of disbelief)
She wasn't kidding.
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